If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
That’s incredible! 👌
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Extremely relatable.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
how much for the angry fruit?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.