When they try to steal your moment.
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Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.