Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Before & after 😅
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same