My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere