Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning