when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Bringing home a sharpie
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.