REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???