Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
be careful
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.