According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Gods work.