Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.