It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys