(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Something Saturday.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”