If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
We all have our pet causes.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me