Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
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If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
🙋♀️
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.