Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.