“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Kermit goes Blue.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
LOL
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff