Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
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ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Monday
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.