I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
No regrets in 2018
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*