If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
🤣could you imagine
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.