Match dot com, but for socks.
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea