BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
You Might Also Like
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
The photographer’s assistant
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
nature’s most graceful animal
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
👾👾👾
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.