interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
🔦🌙👣