If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I put the h in mysterious.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*