@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You Might Also Like
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.