I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food