My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.