wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Anyone really
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs