Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated