[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
lost dog
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.