Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
You Might Also Like
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Born to be mild.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.