Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Free him
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
mentally somewhere in italy
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?