You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.