Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
kitchen magnet
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Knock Knock
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.