Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.