Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
man i love columbo