Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
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[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
multitasking lunch
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.