Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
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[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate