All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Merica.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Just a bush.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.