houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Ok, but like, how married are you?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.