“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
You Might Also Like
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?