How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You Might Also Like
sliding into dms like
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.