My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
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Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
When they try to steal your moment.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Guys, I found it.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I created you as mosquito food.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.