I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
How funny!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap