[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.