godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.