Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?