I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?