Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
That’s fair
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.