When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal