Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally